Slight Geographical Misplacement

Had a small run-in with the guy at the customs desk when I handed in my immigration card. Here is a transcript of our conversation.

Immigration guy: How long are you staying in the UK?
(He was a little gruff. Quite understandable when you consider it was 5:45am).
Me: Less than a month.
Imm Guy: What for?
Me: Holiday.
Pause while he scans the rest of the card.
Imm Guy: Where are you staying while in the UK?
He is clearly not impressed at me supplying only a suburb in the 'address' column.
Me: Well, I don't know the address of the place. I'm staying with friends.
Imm Guy: I need an address for where you'll be staying.
Me: I don't have the address on me.
Imm Guy: Well, I need an address for where you'll be staying.
Me: I don't know the address, and I can't find it until I get through.
Imm Guy: Carshalton Gardens? Where is this place?
Me: It's a suburb.* It's where I'm staying, I just don't know the street address.
Imm Guy: I need more than a suburb.
Me: I don't know anymore than that.
Imm Guy: And you're travelling alone?

Finally he waved me through, I'm assuming on the grounds that I looked harmless and was wasting his time. I could have told him that.

Anyway, this did not change the fact that I still did not have an address for Beryl and Alex's place, apart from a vague five year old memory of how to get there. Of course, 'lost' does not exist in my universe. There is only Slight Geographical Misplacement, and that is a different thing altogether. The fact that I was able to get myself to Paddington Station without great mishap is a thing to be celebrated. The fact that Paddington Station was not the station I was meant to get myself to is completely irrelevant.

*As it turns out, it is not. Instead, it is a figment of my imagination, as my poor tired brain had amalgamated Carshalton Beeches and Beddington Gardens at the shock of being interrogated. This may have been one of the factors compounding his irritance.

Letters of great plainess

One can deal with any amount of adversity when one has a stack of plane letters in front of them from friends back home. Thank you guys, you really made me smile. I shall include some of my favourite excerpts here, and also begin to answer the numerous questions and riddles left to me.

"I can't believe you're actually leaving. Seems like it's been all talk and hype, but no! Tomorrow you leave..."
-Cole

"And now, finally, the fateful moment has come. To think that when you told me of your plans almost a year ago, I blithely accepted them as your dreaming, assuming them never to reach fruition. To think also that I would have started this letter with a conjunction - how shocking..."
-Mike

^Those two weren't the only ones to express surprise at the realisation that I had got organised enough to leave. In fact, it was a common theme. I was surprised myself.

"Well I have spent enough time expanding that large head of yours. To compensate and assure that the plane you are on does not sink under the new weight of your ego I must move onto matters which I hope will bring you back to earth at a much gentler pace than a plane crash."
-Tom C

"Love you loads munchkin, and will miss you and your quirks immensely."
-Cole
You'll miss my quirks?! Look who's talking!

"Travel safely, but not too safely. Laugh, but not too much and cry and lament but remember we wait for one who will dry every tear."
-Dave C
Thank you Dave.

Riddles of the non-Voldemort kind

Nonsense or otherwise, feel free to send me further puzzles or questions and, subject to my stringent suitability checks, I will add them up here.

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If a man must walk down 42 roads to be called a man, how many must this same man traverse before you may call him a donkey?
-Tom C

A man must only walk down the one road forty two times to make an ass of himself.

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Discuss the suitability or otherwise of writing instruments as Earwax Removal Tools (ERTs), the effect their use may have on Unnecessary Hair Extensions (UHE), the Damaging Longterm Harm (DLH) (as opposed to Undamaging Longterm Harm (ULH)) that may be caused to the user and the Potential Nuisance Value (PNV) for those in the immediate vicinity.

Provide a brief exposition upon the nature of Undamaging Longterm Harm (ULH).

State and justify your view on the proper and appropriate use of Three Letter Acronyms (TLAs), with significant reference to their aestheitc qualities, or lack thereof, citing particular examples from this document.
-Mike

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